I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
