This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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