Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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