every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
