I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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