I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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