I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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