Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
