Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
