Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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