No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
