My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
