I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
