Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
