wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
