I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
