please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
