Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
