Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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