It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
