Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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