The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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