Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
