your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
