Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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