saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
