I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
