The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
