the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
