just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
