Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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