So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
