Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
