As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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