My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
