too bad you live with your parents still
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
