so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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