My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
