Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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