I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
