I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
