I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
