got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
