i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
