I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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