I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
