So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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