lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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