THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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