There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
