literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
